Quitting the War Inside of US

The war is over if you want it, the war is over now.
(John Lennon, Happy Christmas - The War is Over)

You come home on a Friday night, the workweek again has been harder than expected, and the colleagues had been particularly annoying this morning. Almost without realizing you grab the bag of chips, take the salsa out of the fridge and start munching to your favorite TV show. It is ok, you will be hitting the gym tomorrow, right? Hey, something is missing. Oh, of course, the glass of wine which soon enough becomes two and more.  What happened to your good intention to only eat healthy food and lose 20 pounds with more exercising?

Do you know the expression "cycling"? The idea of cycling is that you are caught in a back and forth without getting anywhere for a while. In a sense these Friday night episodes which feel so liberating at the time are nothing but an attack on yourself. We chose food as a theme, but the war with yourself can have so many more facets: drugs, gambling, shopping, sex; you can fill in the blanks. The storyline is always the same, it is your subconscious telling you, "Hey, you are not happy, do something to make yourself happy."   And the ways you choose to make yourself happy is actually making things worse. Unless you manage to avoid an escalating vicious cycle you suddenly have an  addiction to deal with.  You want to use your willpower to solve the addiction issue, but the battle inside saps all your psychic powers.

You cannot win a war against yourself -  how should that be possible -  but you can let the internal tensions fade into oblivion over time. Step one in the detoxication program is to cut harmful stress out of your life as best as it is possible for you. It is the tension that you experience in your life which give ammunition to the darkness inside of you. The "system" rebels against the captain; the subconscious battles the conscious you. What you can try to do is to protect yourself better by surrounding yourself with people you love and by choosing a work that allows you to pour your heart and soul into. After all, if you are truly happy, the "system" will have little to attack.

The next step is to just accept the war inside. On a hangover day, instead of giving power to the voice that wants to beat you up, perhaps you can ask instead, "So what went wrong this time? What can I do differently next time around?"  Yes, if you observe yourself, you will find the war inside you consumes you even more energy than the hangover itself.  Just like in all other events in your life which you have opinion about; it is these value judgements that cause your sufferings and depression.

Start being mindful when the dark side takes over. Just observe step by step how you are let down into the basement of your being. Listen to the soothing voice that whispers, "just let go, you deserve a little happiness". Being mindful when you give in to temptation  will probably make you better prepared not to fall into the same trap next time around.  And if you do, it is no big deal as well.  You climbed out of the hole before, so you can do it again. There is a Chinese saying, “not any kind of fish can prosper in water which is completely clean". The same is true of life. Sometimes you need your struggles to make the adjustment that was overdue years ago.

On the hangover day, after you find the broken China on the floor, just monitor how you feel. Monitor how long it takes before your spiritual energy replenishes itself. Observe the pangs of guilt, the fears that you may be doomed forever. You never are. The irony is that the force that battles with you and gets you in the mess to start with, will afterwards beat you up over it. This "war inside" is in fact fascinating to watch.

 Have you been ever stuck with a car in the mud or in the snow? You probably know what to do then. You put a mat under the wheel that is connected to the engine and gently rock back and forth. The back and forth motion slowly develop traction for the tires and with one big jump you are out of the hole and on your way. Use your cycling experience in the same way. Observe how you are creating your own suffering by starting the war inside.  You will only do this when have no idea what you are doing.  The Course in Miracles writes: "When you have seen this real world, as you will surely do, you will remember Us. Yet you must learn the cost of sleeping, and refuse to pay it." That's exactly it. Remind yourself of the costs of being asleep and you will certainly reach the day when the war inside is suddenly over.


By Christian and Su Zhen