Hallo darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping,
left its seeds while I was sleeping.
(Sound of Silence, Simon and Garfunkel)
When the AOL and MSN communities closed down in the early 2000s, the gig was over for me. This may really sound strange, but at the end of the day there was a certain innocence in these communities that kept me visiting; the more targeted communities that opened up afterwards was full of people wanted real sex instead. Yet the craving and inner turmoil didn't go away. On the dark nights of the Soul episodes, I substituted porn instead to let go of the frustration and friction that needed to come out. 'Addiction' was never the expression, a compulsive behavior perhaps; a pernicious habit definitely; a dark night of the Soul episode in short.
When my spiritual awakening happened, a long process of letting go started. I had to learn what the inner tension was all about. Just standing up to this dark power with faith or willpower didn't work for me. My intellectual drive wanted to understand what the hell was going on. Then the vision came during a dream, a demon wanted to rape me.
He was full of muscles and ugly at hell. When we wrestled I was surprised to discover that despite all his apparent strength I could hold him at arm's length distance fairly easily. I was not afraid of him. What was this vision all about?
In the dark night of the Soul moments I realized that in all that craving for porn, there was a subconscious lust for power. Someone was always lying on top, and someone was submissive below. Sure, these were the symbols of the ego but why were they appealing to me so much? In the years of soul searching I realized that in all that in my kind character there was also a softness, an unmanliness of sorts that the demon alerted me to. I started hitting the gym, found my voice in all that shyness, and perhaps most importantly, learned iron-will assertion when my spiritual path asked me to put my foot down. I found my authentic power base after years of wrestling with my demon.
Painfully, I changed my life. I learned to stand up for myself in the competitive and occasionally ruthless industry I am working in. When the shy, but intrinsically competitive and assertive man found his voice, the professional success followed. When you perform in the boardroom, you don't need to fantasize about the bedroom! Dark night of the Soul moments are therapeutic. Don't wish your demon away. Find our what he wants from you. What authentic needs have you not yet granted yourself? Go after them and incorporate all aspects of your self into one magnificent masterpiece! Hallo darkness my dear friend, I have come to talk to you again.