In Search of Wholeness - Bringing our Feelings Along

What a liberation to realize that the voice in my head is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that. 

(Eckhart Tolle)

Caroline Knapp was a recovering anorexic, as well as an alcoholic. She spent years soul-searching what her afflictions were all about. In 'Appetites', she started out her narrative by reminding us that Renoir's main painting mission was to capture the lusty, pleasureful and sensual female body. Both she and Renoir understood that the voluptuous curves in women symbolize physical abundance. Why was she starving herself to death instead? Why couldn't she grant abundance to herself just the same?

A multi-year soul-searching process started during which she figured everything out. Her feeling of superiority, for example, when she slowly and deliberately spooned her allotted meal of a yoghurt while the frivolous folks sitting next to her munched creamy pasta. The self-punishment of starvation and binge drinking that somehow had to compensate for the suffocating upbringing by her lifeless and depressed parents. She tried compensating by always being the model student but sometime during her college days it all came crashing down. With will-power she left both inflictions behind. Sadly though, she couldn't enjoy the trip towards wholeness and health for long as cancer got the better of her abused body.

Understanding psychological processes is important for figuring out who we truly are beneath the hood. Eckhart Tolle's realization that the Observer can call the shots despite the voice in our head is a good one. Yet, just understanding what is going on under the hood is not enough. We also need to feel the wholeness and the abundance in our bones otherwise the Observer who hears the voice will be just a good-sounding super-ego that will invite the wrath of our slumbering demons with every wise-ass observation. It is a process to bring our feelings along, especially when we have been traumatized or have been fed the wrong memes all our lives.

I know a little about the demons Caroline Knapp was dealing with. Seeing my father being brought down to his knees by a decades long bi-polar affliction was traumatizing. Today I know that I carry my own demons around. The feeling of wholeness and abundance is something I have to daily fight for, and I do. Reading Carolines books, 'Appetites' and 'Drinking - A Love Story', I know that she had the insights to start her journey towards healing and wholeness. Unfortunately her journey was cut short. I have these insights too, but now life has to provide me with the feelings of peace of mind, abundance and wholeness. Life does all the heavy lifting by inviting me to face my demons, and I oblige.

Every day I feel in my bones that I am already there, yet, I still have to prove it to myself. It's a process. Everyone can experience Renoir's joie de vivre, no matter how beaten up we may be on occasions. Be mindful of the voice, but always join life's invite to dance as well. We already know that we are whole. Let life demonstrate that it is so. That's how we bring our feelings along.