On Solitude

I have so many memories of being alone. The earliest memory of being alone was when I was a very young little girl. I was alone at home in a cold winter day. It was dark. The room was very dark and quiet. No one was around but myself. I could hear the tick-tock sound of the clock. I could hear the train afar. I could also hear the airplanes passing by. The most amazing part, I could almost hear the very deep sound from the universe.

I was also home alone on a very sunny day. It was an early spring. The sun was shining like a blaze and made it difficult for me to open eyes. Nearby, a man was carrying his infant’s son’s body to a grave yard. This image was printed into my memory.

I was also home alone on many early spring days. The sun was shining, the dragonflies were flying all over the places.  And I felt so lonely. I felt I was kept like a prisoner in my parents’ house. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from this loneliness and this prison.

As the days went by, my relationship with myself had changed.  Slowly, I started really to enjoy being with myself. It seemed that I could know myself better when I was alone. When I feel down, I always choose to be alone and clear out my thoughts. Just like disturbed water clear out after being left still, so is my soul. I can always feel my soul calm down, and the answers surface by themselves.

I also learn to play with myself and nature. I follow my heart and spend lots of time listening, to the birds singing, the trees whistling, the water dripping. I step outside to merge with them.  And then I am all charged and am ready to join the life and crowd again!

By Su Zhen