My Loving Sister

I was brought up by my elder sister who is 12 years older than I am.  I remember she took very good care of me and was very loving.  I had these memories that I was sick and she was feeding me food with patience; she took me out to her friend’s house; she took naps with me.  I formed a very special bond with her and she was almost like my mother.  She loved me and spoiled me.

However there was an incident which almost ruined all the loving things she had done for me.  Instead of feeling being loved by her, I doubted that she even loved me. In this incident, I wanted something badly, I can’t remember what it was. Unfortunately, she couldn’t give me that time.  I cried out loud nonstop for hours like the sky was going to fall and the world was going to end.  I cried and cried, and cried, and finally she lost her patience and pushed me out of room.  This memory is imprinted in me.

It’s my first memory of being rejected and it’s my first memory of resisting the reality; it’s also my first memory of associating rejecting equals not being loved.  This mind pattern eventually created lots of sufferings for me in the following decades.

Since then there were so many things had happened and I had repeated this drama for many times.  I didn’t cry like a toddler but the strength of resisting to the reality has been all the same! The pain I had created for the people around me has been all the same!  I only discovered I have put myself into these mind prisons recently.  How liberating!

My world suddenly changed!  My perceptions about the people around me suddenly changed!  Instead of feeling not being loved, I now know I am well loved and cherished!  Suddenly, my world changed from a black-white world to be a colorful world!

My sister loves me!  She has always been!

Thank you!

By Suzanne Yang