Essence

I was born to a complicated family.  Both my parents’ former spouse died unexpectedly in their twenties.  They also got together in an unconventional way.  My father moved in with my mother to a strange village he never lived.   It means that my father has a lower social economic status in this family.  I think this arrangement influenced his confidence and self esteem.  I could sense this since I was little.  It seems to me my father lived with this shadow his whole life.

This whole situation influenced my confidence and self esteem as well.  I always felt like an outsider in the little village I grew up.

We lived in a remote village in Yilan, Taiwan.  Both my parents were farmers.  They worked very hard to support our family.  When I attended the junior high school, I didn’t have any self confidence at all because it’s the best junior high school in that county and it’s in the city.  For a farm girl from a remote village, I felt terribly bad about myself.

In my lunch box, there used to be just rice and an egg.  One day, one of my classmates asked me how come there was only an egg with rice?  Just imagine how I felt.

Although I didn’t expect I would stand out in that school as I used to be in my little village school, I stood out again.  And one of my best friends was the daughter of a local rich and powerful family.  I still remember how I felt when I was invited to her house for dinner.  Her mom served us with lobsters, shrimps, and lots of crabs.

Out of good luck, when it was time to go to college, I was lucky enough to go to the best university in Taiwan.  And then my self esteem plummeted again.  Most of my classmates are from Taipei.  I was from countryside.  I felt that I was like a barbarian.

After I graduated from graduate school, I hung out with lots of American, expatriates from all over the world, powerful and rich people.  I still remember how I felt inferior when I hung out with them and their spouse. How I felt inferior as an Asian!

It seems to me that my whole life has been battling with low self esteem and inferior issues until my father was very sick.  It was until that time I realized that, race, social status, education, appearance, job, none of them could define me.  They are just like garments we put on our souls.  Deep down we all are the same.  We all age, will die one day, get sick and lose our loved ones sooner or later.  We all have the same fate.  It was until that time I recognized my essence.  It was until then I could hang out with people with different social status and races with ease.  We all are one.

By Suzanne Yang