Breaking free from inner conflicts

The greatest courage is not in fighting outside battles but in addressing the source of 

conflict within yourself.

Sadhguru

You probably know the feeling of having needles under your skin. You are unsure whether to turn left or right, fully knowing that no matter what you do, you likely will not be satisfied under either scenario. What is it that troubles you? You can’t live with or without your significant other? You don’t know whether to go for that promotion or enjoy your peace of mind? You wonder whether now is the time to go after your dreams but you don’t know where the money should come from? Our spiritual community tends to give black and white answers such as, ‘you have to follow your heart’, or ‘you have outgrown your unconscious partner.’ Always they say, ‘stand up to your fears and follow your dreams.’ This advice might be right or it may not be. I would recommend taking a step back first and appreciate the conflict as is—hard as this is to accept. Maybe there is a chance to find your authentic self by squaring the circle. Maybe you are encouraged to express yourself authentically by facing catch 22. Maybe there is no solution to your inner conflict at all, but you finally meet your ‘me-energy’ in action and manage to have an ‘out-of-self’ moment facing it. So why to complain about facing the impossible, isn’t breaking free what our spiritual quest is all about?

What inner tensions do you have right now? I used to have many inner conflicts and, and perhaps worst of all, I wasn’t even willing to admit them to myself. Awakening confronts us with all inner conflicts and brings them out in the open. These problems and conflicts are there for a reason, they encourage us to more than just solving them. Each inner tension can be used as a jumping board for breaking free. The goal of awakening’s transformation is that we are open to life as a free and authentic person, erasing all self-imposed limitations. It’s not that hard to see that life constantly confronts us with the homework we still have to tackle. It is us sending messages to ourselves, ‘hey, look here, how can you have peace of mind unless you tackle this problem statement.’ My spiritual break-through happened when I realized that every ‘problem’ is hand-delivered just for us to help us leave behind what we are not. Life becomes a lot more fun when you approach it with a curious mindset. Suddenly, messengers that were avoided before become allies because we know that they bring us another missing piece of the puzzle.

I was born with a hunger for recognition without really admitting it to myself. At school I always had to be the best and figured it was my noble thirst for knowledge. At work in the competitive financial industry I was edged on to be the best of what I do and I took up the challenge with feverish excitement. It was only 10 years into my job that I noticed a curiosity in myself. I realized that I had literally two separate prevailing inner natures—the competitive and collaborative energies that got activated by different people and problem statements. The nature of my work made me acknowledge the competitor in me, even though it wasn’t a very spiritual thing to do. That’s perhaps why I had repressed it most of my life. Since that realization I have become a big believer in what life brings my way, not what I want to see or aspire to have. Life is designed to help us discover who we truly are and should be respected as such no matter what the circumstances. So if you find yourself in a not so ideal situation ask yourself what this problem statement can help you with rather than wishing it away.

Once the dirty secret was out in the open—I am competitive—everything became much easier for me. I had a spiritual break-through and used the different energies quite effectively. I wore the competitive hat of an analyst when it came to giving specific strategy recommendations to our portfolio mangers. But then, spending a couple of decades with the same experts covering the world economies, I had also the chance to develop my collaborative nature. I lead the group of experts in a setting of trust, appreciation and cooperation and regularly wrote up our joint insights which was a precursor for my writing career. My boss half-jokingly called me a Zen investor with a German accent. He was right, literally and figuratively. 

The strangest thing was, as I had finally the guts to admit the competitive nature to myself, I realized that success meant much less to me than I would have thought. Whenever I was finally in the lime-light, it was a good experience but not so great that it was worth running after. After needing years to even admit the hunger for power, name and fame to myself, I spent as many years getting there but then feeling empty receiving it. Then the solution to my inner struggle presented itself. I realized that what made me truly happy was developing one meaningful connection at a time: one client, one investor, and one friend at a time proved to be my recipe of success. 

Today I have just switched professions and callings, but I kept my recipe for success and happiness. I am still surrounded by good friends today just as I was in my profession before. Even today it is one client, one reader and one spiritual friend at a time instead. Today I write books, I help clients with their spiritual mission and I build a community with my friends. Suzanne and I are running One Center, a not-for-profit operation to promote spirituality, wholeness and healing. What conflict of interest I ask myself today. Life is good!  

What’s your biggest conflict today? What changes can you make to break free?