The key to our learning is not to discover who is right and who is wrong. It’s not about the necessity that the people who are wrong need to apologize, and the people who are right can demand an apology. It’s key to our learning that we see that we are hurting each other, to see we are suffering, and to see that the other is suffering too. It’s important to feel the pain of the other, to feel the pain of our own pain. So bowing is not synonymous with apologizing.
To bow is to show our respect, to respect our own learning, so to bow is actually bowing to the inner self. Perhaps we look like we are bowing to the other, but actually, when we bow, we bow to our own soul. The other is just an external presentation. When we bow, we are bowing to our inner preference, prejudice, criticism, scolding, blaming. When we bow we bow to these things.
The key is not right and wrong, but the judgment , imbalance, resentment, and anger. When we bow, we bow to our inner imbalance, the thing we are still struggling with. If there is no one or nothing, we don’t know what to bow to, so the struggle with someone else is just an external representation of an inner learning opportunity. As a matter of fact, when we bow, we bow to our inner self, we bow to this.
It’s not about I made a mistake so I bow to you to apologize. No, in the process of family constellations session, I am not asking you apologize to others for your mistakes. What matters is your inner side. When you bow to the other, if you can let go of some concepts or expectations; if you can see and feel the pain inside; if you we can see that because of your judgements and criticisms you created these pains and suffering. Can we have this realization?
We don’t bow to apologize. Please pay attention to this. Every time I ask you to bow is not to ask you to apologize, but to surrender to the silence inside yourself. Can we see that we still have so much judgment toward ourselves and others when we bow?
One more thing, sometimes I asked you to bow to the one who is suffering, it is not that you murdered him or anything, but to feel his pain when you bow. You don’t need to do anything, or sacrifice yourself, all you need to do is just to look at his pain. Just looking at his pain unifies you with him. So this is the meaning of bowing to the other.
It’s not that when you bow, you become inferior or secondary. No, this is not the point. We all are keen to reconcile with the other, but, actually, the one you really need to reconcile with is with yourself. If we can see this key point, it will be easier and faster for us to progress. It’s not that we did something to someone and now we need to reconcile.
I talked to you about conscience. What is right and wrong is not what we think. It’s not about, “I murdered you before so I apologize to you”. There is an order of soul, just like there is Tao in our family line. Right and wrong is not what we think. Someone who looks like the victim today, but when you inquire deeply, you discover that he murdered the other before. They murdered each other in different life times, so who is the victim, and who is the perpetrator? It’s hard to tell who is right and who is wrong.
So, if we can see the other’s pain, and see that the other is in a state of suffering, when you can see the situation like this, compassion automatically arises in you. When I say compassion, it is not pity, it’s more like an universal compassion. What I emphasize here is, can we feel that, when others are suffering, we are suffering too? This is the key. The key is not who should apologize, but to see the other is suffering and you are suffering. This bowing is beyond apology, right, and wrong.
By Suzhen Liu
If you find Suzhen Liu’s writings helpful, please check out her book, ‘Letting Go—Release Your Suffering’ on Amazon. The book is a joint project. Suzanne Yang translated it from the original Chinese Publication into English and published it with Balboa Press.
https://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-Release-Your-Suffering/dp/1982258004
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