Embrace the real and look through the illusion

The self you believe in is just a convenient illusion.

In reality there is no trace of it.

Shunryu Suzuki

 

I met a man who told me he struggled with sexual online chats. They take up too much of his time and they take him down dark alleys that he likes to avoid. I gave him a 30-day challenge to stay away from these chats and asked him to tell me how he felt afterwards. He later told me that he thought that challenge was a bit silly, but he signed up anyway and succeeded. Later he said that two things helped him, one, he realized how stupid these fantasy games were, and two, he said that my name helped him—Christian. He felt maybe there was some religious purpose behind this challenge.

 

A businessman goes after a promotion and doesn’t mind undercutting his competitors in the process. A married man goes dating in the hope of getting his sex life back with someone new. Another man plays the lottery and knows if he wins, he will finally be happy again. There is nothing wrong with advancing professionally. Some marriages don’t work out as we all know, and sure, one can always play the lottery and hope for a win. The problem only is if any of these three men believe that they will be happier in the future. Change happens, but our happiness or misery follows us.

 

If my friend manages to stay away from the online sex chats it is because he realizes these mind-games are empty. When we see greed in action and accept it, and understand its root causes we have a shot at letting go. When we discover true compassion in relationships and manage to look through the empty games of yin and yang, we have a shot to have a partner for life. Understanding connects us with happiness not the desire to do better in the future. How to get that understanding? Just observe see the mental construct we believe in and understand the games we play with ourselves.