A mother hurts her daughter because of her expectations. She wishes her daughter to be capable. Beneath these expectations lies fear—fear that her daughter is not good enough, and fear that she herself is not a good mother.
When the daughter is hurt, she feels abandoned and unrecognized. Beneath these feelings is a fear of not being loved.
The mother suffers because of her fear, and the daughter suffers because of her fear. They are suffering from the same fear. The mother expresses her fear by hurting her daughter; the daughter expresses her fear through feelings of abandonment and unlovability after being hurt. Although their expressions look different, the root is the same. These seemingly different fears are, in essence, one. This is why we can call it collective karma.
It appears that the mother and daughter are confronting each other, but in reality, the source of their reactions and emotions is the same. Learning to be present with different situations allows us to see that the pain of the mother and the pain of the daughter are not separate. There is no true difference. When this can be seen, the possibility arises for them to bridge the gap between them, and only then can their relationship begin to change.
When one can see this clearly, we can say there is thorough self-understanding. With thorough self-understanding, it becomes possible to understand others as well. When the daughter understands her own pain and her fear of abandonment, she can also understand her mother’s pain, expectations, and fears. She can meet those parts of her mother with understanding.
When you have access to self-understanding, it brings tremendous energy. It is a state in which the mind expands. This same understanding can be applied when practicing letting go, or within interpersonal relationships. The reason is the same.
By Suzhen Liu
If you enjoy Suzhen Liu’s writings, please check out her new book, “Discover Love Within—Release Your Suffering” available on Amazon.
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