Many people live in a victim mindset. They believe others should be responsible for their pain and problems. By blaming others, they feel they have no choice — as if life is simply happening to them. Few are willing to see that they may be co-creating the very situations they complain about. When we begin to observe ourselves, something shifts. We can start to inquire: “How have I been participating in this? In what way have I been helping this pattern to continue?”
What others do is not separate from us. Sometimes their behavior is closely related to our own unconscious cooperation. Imagine someone borrows money from you. The first time, he asks for one hundred. You give it to him. He doesn’t return it. The second time, he borrows five hundred. You give it again — and still don’t ask for it back. Later, he asks for thirty thousand. You give it. Finally, he asks for one million — and once again, he doesn’t repay you. Now you feel cheated. You feel betrayed. You feel you have suffered a huge loss.
But if we are practicing meditation or self-awareness, we must return to ourselves and ask a deeper question:
Why couldn’t I say no?
Was I feeling guilty? Was I afraid of losing the friendship? Was I seeking approval?
In what way was I helping him? How did I become an accomplice in my own hurt?
When I lent him the money, what was I hoping to receive in return? Perhaps I wanted to feel needed. Perhaps I wanted security in the relationship. Perhaps I believed that by giving, I could prevent abandonment. Beneath it all, there may have been one simple truth:
I was afraid of losing him.
If that is the case, then when he borrowed money and failed to return it, he was not the only one creating the pain. I was participating — because my fear would not allow me to set a boundary. This is not merely about deciding, “I will never lend him money again.” It is about turning inward and facing the deeper fear of loss.
When we allow the fear of losing someone to surface, other fears may rise as well. If we continue to avoid them, the pattern will repeat — and the next time he asks for money, we may give again.
But if we stay present and see clearly that this fear is not an absolute truth — that it is a conditioned illusion — then something changes. We can let the fear come forward. We can feel the pain we once tried to avoid. We can admit honestly: “Yes, I am afraid of losing him.”
Paradoxically, when we stop running from the fear, it begins to loosen. The knot softens.
We transcend not because the situation disappears, but because we are no longer controlled by fear. When fear dissolves, the pattern dissolves with it. True power is not found in controlling others. It is found in seeing our own participation — and choosing differently. That is where freedom begins.
By Suzhen Liu
If you enjoy Suzhen Liu’s writings, please check out her new book, “Discover Love Within—Release Your Suffering” available on Amazon.
