Many years ago, when I was living in the mountains, I went through a deep process of “loss.” In the beginning, I could not even name what I was feeling. There were no words for it, no label. Sometimes feelings do not first appear as thoughts, but simply as sensations within us. Only later did I come to call it “loss.”
This feeling was very easy to overlook. It was subtle and quiet — a sense of emptiness, powerlessness, and losing interest in life. That was how it first appeared.
I began simply by paying attention to this empty feeling. Whether I was walking, eating, practicing qigong, or meditating, I stayed aware of it. I had no intention of changing it or making it become something else. I simply paid attention and followed this feeling for three months.
During those three months, vague images of my parents fighting began to surface through my attention. I recognized that this feeling was connected to those memories, so I stayed with the images of them fighting. I remained there quietly, without any intention or judgment.
As the images surfaced again and again, something inside me was triggered. It was not just one feeling, but twenty or thirty different feelings arising together. Each time a feeling surfaced, I stayed present with it.
As long as I was willing to remain with these feelings, the events and images deeply imprinted in my consciousness began to change. The energy itself started to transform.
It changed, changed, changed, then paused. I paused with it. Then it continued changing again. Slowly, the feeling of loss began to dissolve. Eventually, the anger and the feeling of being neglected completely disappeared and transformed into a subtle sense of joy.
In those moments of stillness, I saw how deeply I had needed my parents and how entangled I was in their relationship. I saw many things clearly. One simple feeling of loss brought forth countless memories and thoughts.
At the beginning, I did not know how long this process would take. I simply stayed with it naturally and attentively. In the end, it took three months.
During this process of paying attention, there were times when I felt depressed, and times when I cried without understanding why. Yet when I cried, thoughts and memories would emerge, and I began to understand more deeply. I discovered that there were so many stories connected to this feeling of loss.
After three months, I fully understood it. It no longer disturbed me because it had transformed into another kind of energy.
When the energy of loss finally came to an end, love naturally arose. I completely understood everything that had happened. There were no words like, “I forgive you now.” Instead, there was simply a deep connection with my parents — a connection arising from a very profound place within me.
At the same time, I was also connecting with myself. In truth, I was connecting with my own wounds. This is the key.
All of my learning and understanding have come from this kind of attention. Real realization comes through direct observation and presence. Understanding gained merely from listening to others often remains on the surface, but realization born from deep attention is direct and transformative.
Most of the time, when we feel loss, we immediately want to escape from it. We distract ourselves by watching movies, seeking entertainment, or turning away from the feeling. For a moment, the feeling disappears, and we think we no longer need to face it. But this is never truly the case.
Do not say, “I want to get rid of this,” or “I want to run away.” Do not hold any attitude against the feeling. When we stop resisting, we can begin to look at these feelings one by one.
This kind of attention is a form of cleansing through awareness. During the process of paying attention, the content of our consciousness begins to transform. Our thinking patterns change naturally and effortlessly. Attention itself is already a form of action and transformation. Through it, we stop recreating the same unconscious patterns.
Without genuine attention, spiritual practice easily becomes an illusion. Attention is the living energy of consciousness itself. If we do not truly face and realize our own pain, then merely saying, “I feel miserable, lost, and unwilling,” has little meaning.
By Suzhen Liu
If you enjoy Suzhen Liu’s writings, please check out her latest book, “Discover Love Within—Release your suffering,” available on Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/Discover-Love-Within-Release-Suffering/dp/0999251732
