A student once shared that after attending a family energy workshop, she began to feel a strong sense of resentment. In the past, she was always the one who compromised and tolerated everything. Now, however, she found herself daring to fight back. This change left her feeling confused and helpless.
For years, she had repressed her true feelings in order to accommodate others. But when we constantly suppress ourselves to maintain harmony, those unexpressed emotions eventually wound us from within. To please others, we silence our own needs. We believe that by pleasing others, we will receive love in return. And in our minds, “love” simply becomes: when someone treats me well.
Often, we suppress ourselves in order to gain something — love, approval, acceptance. But this is a transaction. What do others actually experience in our cooperation? A superficial peace.
Why do we tolerate so much? Sometimes it is because we want to appear as a “good person.” We think that if we become good enough, we will earn love. Yet this very pattern slowly undermines authentic relationships.
If we look deeply and honestly beneath this tolerance, what do we find? Fear. We are afraid of conflict. We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of loss. To avoid facing this fear, we cover it with pleasing behavior.
Now the real work begins: to face our pain and stay with it.
At the deepest level, the fear of loss is an inner wound. But instead of owning this pain, we often tie it to someone else. We project it outward. The moment we do this, pain creates more pain.
When we think, “What can he do so I won’t feel afraid?” we hand responsibility for our inner world to the other person. And that guarantees endless suffering.
Projection creates opposition. Now it becomes “me versus him.” We start strategizing — how to manage him, how to control the situation, how to protect ourselves. Sometimes we repress. Next time, we try another tactic. This constant cycle of managing and reacting keeps the pain alive and repeating.
The only real liberation is to do the opposite: turn inward and face the fear of loss directly.
When I no longer project my pain onto the other person but instead stay present with my own fear — keeping my awareness gently anchored there — something begins to shift. The fear transforms.
For example, if someone cheats on us, what is the pain we actually feel? Abandonment. Betrayal. Being left alone. If we attach our suffering solely to the other person’s behavior — “How could you do this to me?” — the pain will never end. Our thoughts will keep fueling it.
But underneath betrayal and unfairness lies something even deeper: the fear of loss, and the fear of being alone.
Isn’t that something we must face within ourselves?
If we truly understand and face our feelings of emptiness and aloneness, others’ behaviors will no longer have the power to determine our inner state. Sadness may arise, but it will not overwhelm us.
When we learn to stay present with our own pain, our consciousness begins to shift. This transformation naturally influences our children and the people around us. We no longer pass down unconscious patterns; we transmit awareness instead.
When we are willing to face pain directly, everything becomes simpler. The complicated strategies dissolve. Our old patterns of suffering loosen one by one — not through force, but through understanding.
And in that space, relationships can become real.
By Suzhen Liu
If you enjoy Suzhen Liu’s writings, please check out her new book, “Discover Love Within—Release Your Suffering” available on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/Discover-Love-Within-Release-Suffering/dp/0999251732
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