The reader of this Blog will know I have written often about this subject: You have to face your desires or tendencies, whether you like it or not (see Vasana, Juanuary 27). Personally, I find dealing with mine a bit painful and apparently in conflict with my spiritual path, but here you go, you just have to be true to your nature. Actually, the Tao reminded me of this insight in a pretty blunt way. You may wonder how. Perhaps it is best to just restate some recent events; the reader may find this as a a useful example of how the spiritual soul searching process can work.
A few days ago I wrote a question to God on a piece of paper. I struggled with the question whether we should use the power of intention for anything other than just the spiritual path. Specifically, I was wondering whether I should use my mental powers to change my body structure. I have inherited my father's slim figure, though I feel deep down inside that, if I wanted, I could bring out my mother's much more robust structure in me instead. Body building has always attracted me, though, thus far, my somewhat infrequent visits to the fitness center have only brought mediocre results. In any case, I am deeply suspicious about using the power of intention for any purpose other than following my spiritual path, and the desire to obtain a massive body has ego written all over it. When I wrote my question out, I heard Jesus words "Du sollst den Namen Deines Vaters nicht versuchen" ringing in my ears.
Ask and you shall receive, this was not the but an answer I got yesterday. It was a hot summer day and I was going to work when I realized that I had forgotten my security ID in my car and had to go back to the parking lot. This never happens to me and I was a little late already, but I actually didn't become annoyed because I have learned in the meantime that everything happens for a reason. So back I went, and realized that the heat was getting to me after all and felt quite sweaty. I went into the office, which is luckily kept at a very cold temperature, and I knew I just needed a few minutes to cool down. When I passed my colleague's office two group photos suddenly got me attention that were on her wall. I looked at them and couldn't believe it: Both photos had me in a prominent position. It was almost as if I had lined up all women in the department around myself. In both cases, the women were aligned neatly ordered by my perceived level of attraction. I heard a loud cock-a-doodle-do in the background. Several people had named me a peacock in the past. I honestly didn't understand then where they were coming from.
Afterwards, I went to a meeting and was a little late, hoping I could cool down in the meantime. When I opened the door to the meeting room I saw Manuella arriving. She was still a little bit away from me, so I perhaps kept the door open for her just for a second longer than usual; she smiled somewhat awkwardly at me. The true reason for this polite act was that I was still afraid some of my recent perspiration might show at the back of my shirt, so I tried staying behind people as best I could. On I went into the meeting hall and there was standing room only. So I went to the back of the room and I had the choice to stand behind any of some 15 people and I thought I had just gone somewhere pretty aimlessly . As I was standing and listening to the discussion it suddenly struck me. I was standing behind Sam and noticed that I was towering above her, very much like I did a minute ago with my other colleague. Both women are notacibly shorter than me; could it be that I enjoyed this dominant position? Putting two and two together (the two photos that is), I figured that this peacock attitude of mine is my unfulfilled vasana. By the way, you will by now probably not be surprised to hear that the colleague of mine who had the two photographs on her wall shares exactly the same feature; she is tiny compared to me.
That still leaves me with the fundamental question. Should I listen to the conclusion of my own Blog, you have to live your vasana out because this is the mission statement of your life, or should I embrace the first rule of spirituality, where the ego is, God cannot be. Well, I am sure the answer will come in time. I wrote my question on a piece of paper and Mathew's (7:7) always delivers. Ask, and you shall receive. Stay tuned!