Experimenting with Your Shadow

In the early years of the Internet when MSN and AOL had half of America on-line, I enjoyed exchanging sexual fantasies with folks who just like me never really did anything about it, but just wanted to have a little virtual trip to the dark side. Given my liberal European upbringing I never thought there was anything wrong with my behavior, but when the Tao got a hold of me, it became clear to me that discussing sex with strangers is not really consistent with my spiritual path, so I wanted to stop but to my surprise I found it hard to break free.

I had only a few 'Conversations with God' moments along my path given that I never really trusted who exactly was talking in these conversations, but at one point I became just so I frustrated that I just asked out aloud, 'So tell me True Self, what is the problem here?' A voice responded, 'You are cycling my friend!' Wow, I was dumbfounded. That was exactly what was going on. I must have spent a couple of years in a holding pattern, alternating between who I aspired to be and the regular missteps along the way when my demon got the better of me.

This gave me the idea why not to experiment with this dark cycle altogether? You have probably heard of the 21 Day Experiment. You do something consciously for 21 days, like breaking a pernicious habit, and trust that afterwards your subconscious has taken the change on board. Try it with whatever it is that you think is holding you back from your spiritual path. You will find that the first three days are really hard. It turns out that with a changed behavior you are literally re-wiring neural pathways in your brain but after a few days the going gets easier. It is hard to believe on day one or two when the withdrawal symptoms are rampant, but a completely different person will look at the world on days 12 or 13. When you have been through a few of those cycles you actually know that this is a fact and this knowledge gives you the motivation to keep the course.

The advantage of the 21 day rule is that you are not promising that you will break free forever. Actually, you can hear the demon laughing inside when you make a statement like that - you just promise to stay away from it for 21 days! That is a very different perspective and you can certainly accomplish this plan with some willpower. The advantage of the exercise is that you are no longer fighting your dark side, you are experimenting with it and you will soon realize that in this process you gain incredible insights about the other you - the one that you do not really want to associate with.

See how your mind goes on autopilot on the day when you give in to your temptations yet again. Experience the rush when your dark side takes over. You will also realize that you are walking up and down a mental staircase in your experiments- the longer you walk down, the longer the climb up will have to be afterwards. Perhaps the term addiction is too strong to describe the struggle I went through, but I definitely got a feel for the hook that addicted people hang their hat on and an appreciation for how hard it is to unhook yourself from the robot inside.

You will learn in these experiments that the dark side tempts you on days when trouble is coming your way anyway. Initially I thought that the Universe was beating me up over my missteps, but in hindsight, I conjecture that your system just knows when you get ruffled a little and your demon gets active around that time just as your energy contracts in anticipation of the pain that is coming your way. If you repeat these cycles a number of times you will realize that these dark periods always pass very much like a dark rain cloud and before you know it the sun is shining again. You will also realize that the misfortune that hits you is perhaps not so bad per se, but that it is the lack of energy coming from the internal battle inside and the conscious effort to climb out of the hole that makes it so.

I was reminded of the opening statement of the Course in Miracles: 'Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the Peace of God.' Indeed, that is what these negative feedback cycle felt like: real for a couple of days and vanishing like a mirage in the days afterwards. You learn that the Tao is always out there willing to extend a helping hand; it is just that for a day or two a massive rain cloud is passing by, so that you have a tough time seeing Her hand. The longer you walk your path, however, the easier it is for you to see the Tao always in action - even on low energy days.

You will get incredible insights about your shadow when you experiment; in fact they are so intense that your experiment will not even feel like a misstep at all; it will feel like a precious learning experiment instead. Learn what the shadow really want from you. Perhaps there is something that you can adjust in your real life that is entirely consistent with your spiritual path. In my case I learned that by becoming more assertive in my dealing with people, the sexual fantasies lost their appeal. I also learned that body building was a great real substitute for my mental longings. Apparently my demon just wanted me to become a little more manly; why should that be inconsistent with my spiritual path?

You will outgrow your struggle for the very reason that you will get a comparison of the short-lived excitement versus the loss of energy and connection with the Tao afterwards. No thrill ride in the world can compensate you for the pain of being disconnected with the Tao, albeit only a day or two. Everything that was meaningful to me I couldn't do after I had indulged my dark side. I couldn't go to the gym for about a week, didn't have the mental peace to write a blog entry for a few days and more often than not, fell outright sick as my immune system took a beating. Of course I asked myself, is this just my super ego acting up or is this a message from the Tao until the day when I decided that it doesn't really matter. I miss my connection with the Tao way too much so I simply stopped one fine day altogether with these dark experiments when I felt that I didn't really learn anything new about myself any longer. I venture to say that the same will happen to you. Once the Tao has gotten a hold on you cannot help doing what you have to just because you realize that any resistance is futile.

We all admire Jesus and Buddha so much for their resolve to withstand their final temptations. Just don't forget that both also traveled a spiritual path before. Get the stuff that holds you back out of your system, find that creative outlet that appeases your demon and enjoy the day when you finally will break free!