The Desire to Let Go

He was a fairly successful businessman and, as everybody thought, happily married as well. But he had a weird dark side. Just about once a month on a quiet Friday he left work early and drove aimlessly around in residential areas until he found houses he could slip into. He just wanted to stalk stay-home moms, watch them as they did their routine housework chores. He would sometimes climb into their closets and masturbate. The strange thing was, on the chosen day already at work he would feel that dark cloud descending; that pleasant feeling of letting go, the anticipation of ecstasy. By the time he got into his car he was on autopilot. There was no turning back at this point. It was literally a trance. Only when his dark business has been finished would he come to his senses again.

I remember reading this case once in a book on sexual addiction and thought that it really brings out the act of falling in a trance just by thinking about what is about to transpire. The evil act becomes a ritual; the final release in form of masturbation is just the the last step in a long process.  For hours this guy would be thinking about breaking into someone's house. The heart would be pumping at a fast pace at the very thought, the sexual and stress hormones would be surging and - like you experience bungee jumping - would create that high that he interprets as pleasurable. In contrast to an orgasm which disappears as quickly as it comes, this ritual can actually be enjoyed for hours. Repeat this procedure over and over and even the anticipation of this act will put you in a drugged state. The consciousness retreats and a dark force takes over.

Psychologically, an addiction is an act of handing over the steering wheel. Your consciousness shuts down and something else inside takes over. Erich Fromm once coined the phrase "escape from freedom"; that's what a trance really is about.

For an adult who has been crafting and maintained a persona for a few decades, it is literally hard work to keep it all going. All these conflicts that fight each other below the surface  have to be consciously overridden, day in and day out. Little psychological wounds are being incurred all the time and unfulfilled desires create ongoing frustrations. All this  accumulates to one big pain body that begs to be released. As this pressure is catching up with you, you try to escape by reaching for the bottle, by eating massive amounts of food, by releasing anger in a fit, you name it. An addiction is a more extreme case but the problem statement is really the same.  The demon whispers in your ear to hand over the steering wheel, and as you do the hormones and pleasure chemicals surge through your body and you are hooked