Commitment

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for.
You know it's true:
Everything I do, I do it for you.

(I Do It For You, Bryan Adams)

My father has bi-polar, and I have his genes. This illness is my bones but I have consciously stood up to it. In fact, it looks like my life has been subconsciously chosen to prepare me for these emotional mood swings. I work as a financial strategist and have to make these choices, buy or sell, without knowing what will end up happening. We make rational choices on behalf of our clients; we listen to our intuition, while simply overriding fear and greed. 

I don't know how my colleagues do it, but no money in the world can compensate me for this pain I feel inside. You have no idea how often I have contemplated to simply walk out of everything, but I don't, because I feel I have a job to do. I am not sure that my father ever had a chance with his disease. His emotional turmoil was far greater than mine; he was a guardianship judge. Just imagine what goes through you when you have to decide who gets the guardianship of the children in a divorce. Good luck making this decision by the letter of the law.  I'll be damned if I don't try my best to stop this disease for the next generation. I have boys too and they will not see their father quit on them.

Isn't that how everything goes? Simple commitment. If you end up staying in a job or in a relationship, it is because there is something so meaningful, so holy, that one bears the cost no matter what. And if you end up walking away, it is not because you can't handle the pain, it is because you don't believe in your mission anymore. I started this note with Bryan Adams, perhaps I can conclude it with Nietzsche: "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." Yes, that is commitment!