Non, rien de rien,
non, je ne regrette rien.
(Edith Piaf, Non, je ne regrette rien)
She was standing at the window and seemingly out of the blue whispered, "you know, sometimes a man just has to take what is his." She was at the height of her physical attractiveness at that time - as was I - and she had some physical attributes that few other men could have resisted. Neither one of us was in a relationship, so I could easily have ripped of her clothes and followed her suggestion.
Well, I didn't. Not only did I perceive the whole scene as theatrical, I also had little patience for the whole conquering act. Somehow all my life I looked down on seducing, womanizing and sexual conquering. When I eventually did get together with someone, it somehow happened "naturally" , just as if two magnets stuck to each other. I am first to admit though that my attractive friend and I could have come together quite naturally as well, but since she gave in to the seducing and conquering of another guy just a few weeks later, I more or less accepted the turn of events. In retrospect though, this scene was definitely a portal that could have transported us in a possibly life-long relationship in a parallel universe.
What has changed in me is the realization that I was quite shy then, and probably sexually repressed as well. I hadn't found myself as the person the way I understand myself today. In hindsight, I was probably conflicted because of my spiritual mindset. I minded it whenever men aggressively went after what the women they felt belonged to them; but then, years later, my inner conflicts caught up with me. I found myself in adult only chat rooms and watched pornography to fill that void I felt inside. After years of soul searching my demons demonstrated convincingly that I am not "holier than thou". In fact, the religious mindset has no business looking down on seduction and conquering if that is what both parties long for.
Today I realize that my shyness was a subconscious protection to develop the story line I am telling myself today. My co-author Su Zhen perhaps only half-jokingly conjectured that I must have been a Catholic monk in a previous life-time. In a way, the limited sexual encounters in my youth was the story of purity and innocence I told myself until my demon revealed that it is just that, a convenient story line. I have come out of my shell today and I don't regret a thing about my past. Everything along a spiritual path always happens for a reason that makes perfect sense at a later time.
Life just is. If seduction and conquering is part of the mutual dance then so be it. Every aggressive sexual act is eventually replaced by love if the relationship wants to survive the test of time. Do what you will, GOD will always find HER way into the bedroom.