My Father and I

My father used to spy on me and I hated it.  I blamed my anxiety to him for raising me this way.  He would spy on me to make sure I was studying, doing the chores, or doing anything productively.  If not, he would jump out of nowhere, scold me, and scare me to death.


Hence, I couldn’t really relax when I was home alone by myself.  This anxiety and uneasiness has become part of me. I had lots of hate toward him.  I despised him and distanced myself from him.  I thought he didn’t love me and I didn’t love him either.


I had done several family constellation sessions to help reconcile our relationship.  However, deep down, I never really wanted to reconcile with him.  I did them only because Bert Hellinger said that we cannot really function well in this world if we don’t connect with our parents.

 These years as I try to heal myself and understand all the energy flowing through me, I finally understood that despite having so much hate towards my father, deep down inside I really love him!  Although I don’t agree with the way he dealt with his life, I love him nonetheless!  He is my father!  He gave me life!  For this, I am always grateful!  Without him, I could never have had this body and this life to learn!  Without him, I could never have ever resolved so many issues dating back several lifetimes. I thank him for playing this role to help me heal!

During one of my self-healing sessions, I also saw so clearly that how much pain he had in his life, how much he struggling and how lonely he was! Even as a toddler, I was aware of his pain and had unconditional love for him!  However, that love was covered later by all those violence until that healing moment!  Suddenly, all my love toward my dad overflows deep from my heart!  I love you, Dad!


I also discovered my dad’s love toward me when I was interacting with my children.  When I was spying on my children to make sure they were walking on the right tracks, suddenly, I saw my dad in me!  Suddenly, I realized how much love and concern he had toward me! Thank you, Dad!  I finally realized how hard you have worked for all of us!


Dear Dad, I love you!  I am happy that I finally can say that to you from my heart!  Thank you for giving me this life and I will do something good to honor your love!

By Su Zhen