It took me a while to finally give her a call. What she was telling me was like a foreign language. I understood every word she said but had no idea what she was talking about. She was teaching me how to observe myself. She told me to observe myself like watching a movie. Would you go arguing with the characters when you watched a movie? Would you judge how they should be and try to change the story line? You just watch a movie and allow the story line to unfold without any intention to judge and change. You just allow things as they are.
I was totally lost in her words and had no idea what she said and didn’t do anything about it. One day, I had a big fight with my mother in law. I couldn’t help crying for several days. On the ninth day, I thought to myself, since I couldn’t really do anything with my sorrow, why don’t I sit down and observe myself?
So I sat down in a quiet corner, and was intensively present with my sadness and tried to observe myself. Magically, the moment I sat down with my sorrow and tried to observe this sorrow, the sorrow energy started transforming to a very warm and loving energy, and I suddenly realized why I was so sad.
I was so sad because I was looking for love from my mother in law. Unfortunately, there was none for me. I cried for 8 days and 8 nights. On this 9th day, something magical happened and I discovered love is in me and I even have that compassion for my mother in law and understood she couldn’t love me because she was looking for love herself. At that special moment, the love inside me overflowed to her.
It was a magical moment for me. Since then, I knew how to heal myself and started my journey of healing and discovering myself. The unconditional love of my mentor always accompanies me wherever I am. Her love toward me becomes a very stable force for me. This love has the magic of transforming my life.
Every time I called her, she was always very peaceful and present for me. There were a few times she was even experiencing some dramatic life events. Even at those moments, she was there for me, gently, lovingly, and present moment by moment.
I have been always grateful for her presence in my life. Even though people always say, we have everything we need in us, I have to admit, without her igniting the fire in me, without her unconditional love, without her long presence in my life, I couldn’t have been in this place. I had been through a lot. She encouraged me to face challenges with love. As a matter of fact, she encouraged me to have fun with these challenges! Don't wish them away!
Her love and teaching for me is with scaffolding planning. She was in my life for a long time until I was strong enough. When she sensed it was time for me to get independent, she stopped talking to me just like the old monk asking the young monk to leave the mountain to practice their practice in daily life on their own.
I can still sense her teaching, support, and love even though she hasn’t talked to me in a while. How blessed am I to have such a mentor in my life!
By Su Zhen
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