(Erik Satie)
Our spiritual community describes the ego as the deluded part of our ‘I’-identity that stands in the way of experiencing God. Our craving to be special is one such interference. We don’t want to be just a body, we want to be a somebody. We want to be looked up to, celebrated, and considered to be cool and sexy. Biologically, this drive is the restless gene that wants to get passed on to the next generation. At work, we want to have an impact; we want to leave a legacy, and want to earn a handsome income as well. Maybe we even have people reporting to us. We want to live in luxurious surroundings and want to have a sexy partner who admires us as well. Maybe these days our notion of being special is a bit more refined than in the olden days when it was all about power, fame and sex. Many of us are spiritual so we seek other qualities in people and our life. We want to be a great parent, a loving spouse, a community leader or a spiritually conscious entrepreneur. Maybe we even want to be enlightened. Yet, no matter how we spin and turn the story of the ‘I’, chances are, we still want to be special somehow. We are more humble perhaps, but we still aspire to be special!
I mostly considered myself special. I was always considered good-looking, athletic, and also pretty successful in my studies, all the way to graduate school. I worked for a premier financial company for a couple of decades and was appreciated there for my economic insights, market savviness and kindness. When my Awakening started one day I really felt like being on top of the world. Not only was I that global expert that meets with key policy makers around the world, but I was also spiritually Awakening and thus able to perceive and appreciate people, events and things in a way few others could. Alas, not everything was perfect about the story at the time though. I experienced fear when markets turned against me. I was also depressed over large stretches of the journey even though I had no good explanation for it. Eventually I realized that even my spiritual quest was an escape of sorts; a desire to leave the fear behind and yet another clever ego disguise to be special and be a cut above the ordinary folks.
What do we do when we are confronted with this Catch 22 of knowing deep down inside that we even want to be special when we we embark on a spiritual journey? Actually, nothing! Just keep doing whatever gives you meaning! Never mind your desires either as long as they don’t conflict with your spiritual mission. When spirituality knocks on your door, sign up for the ride and see where the journey takes you. So what if the first part of the journey is ego motivated; eventually a higher Power will take the reigns from you. So what if the ‘I’ wants to feel a bit special! God will always find a spiritual expression of our drives and a few kudos will always come our way to make us happy. Being special—having sex appeal—is essentially the driving force of life. When we lose this ego motivation, when we lose our mojo so to speak, life loses all its charms, spice and sexiness. When our ego gets hurt, life becomes colorless, depressing and meaningless.
I still remember the rush that I experienced when I came across this insight that our ego might well be our friend providing us with vitality and zest of life. Maybe we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over what makes us special and should celebrate it instead. It came at a time when I felt dead inside. I had just left my economic profession and had decided to become an author and spiritual coach instead. I suddenly had everything I had wished for but to be honest, I didn’t enjoy the time as much as I thought I would. Yes, all the stress of my prior job had left me but I was missing the liveliness that I had experienced before, such as hanging out with the best and the brightest in the financial community. I even missed sweating the ups and downs of the market, and feeling the competitive juices flowing in me to show everyone how smart I was. I naturally understood how meaningless it would be to seek name and fame in the spiritual community, not to mention the fact that I had no idea how I would even accomplish such a feat.
Well, in hindsight these dreadful months were just a little transition blues. Naturally, I loved writing just as much as I had ever done. Naturally, people started approaching me who looked for a new direction in life. Naturally, the connections with other like-minded spiritual travelers started taking off. I took pleasure and pride in getting the gospel of the Way out, and a few meaningful kudus were always coming my way. That’s what a spiritual path is all about, to make that transition from ‘being special’ in our ego centered eyes to ‘being special’ in God’s eyes. We are asked to let go of everything that we thought we needed to stand out. Instead we are asked to strip naked and let our natural beauty shine. We may be encouraged to let go of our high paying, prestigious job while being introduced to enjoying a form of abundance we had never appreciated before. We give away our fancy clothes and, eventually, run naked to GOD. What I would emphasize here though, let it be a natural process. Let life tell you how to proceed. The joy of being alive should be there every step of the Way. Don’t sacrifice anything that is meaningful to you in the name of spirituality. If the blood is not pumping through your veins right now you are overlooking something.
You have the right and obligation to feel alive every step of the Way. You have right to feel special because in God’s eyes you always will. Let your talents shine and enjoy being special!
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