One of my children has a moderate case of autism. Most of the times we are doing just fine. I enjoy spending my life with him. However, once so often, I feel incredible pain when I am dealing with him. These incidences mostly happen when I compare him with other autistic kids. So whenever I run across other autistic kids who cope better with their environment than my son does, I blame myself for not doing enough. I feel at pain and destructive whenever that happens. Luckily, at least I am aware of what is going on inside.
So it turns out that I am creating this pain for myself. It is not autism per se, it is my comparison that is the source of trouble. Whenever I am comparing, I am actually not able to accept my child as he is. In those instances I was always overwhelmed with pain, guilt, and self-pity. What I was worrying about was that I - as a mom - was somehow not good enough. It turns out a vicious cycle could easily be in the making. During these periods of self-attack, as you can well imagine, I wasn't a very good mom which in turn would reflect on the mood and behavior of my son.
The upside of traveling a spiritual path is that we are aware of those programs that run in the background. Again and again, I always need to center myself first and heal the situation at once.
All relationships are mirrors on who we are deep down inside. My relationship with my son reflects back some of my dark spots, some of my pain-bodies, and even some of the destructive areas inside me. Yet I am grateful for every healing opportunity every day. Thank to all the spiritual guidance I am receiving and the meditation, I am able to know these dark sports and work on myself with the help of my son.
As it always turns out, whenever I am in peace with myself, he always calm down and is able to learn and progress; whenever I am attacking myself, he always throws tantrums and looks like a mess. My son is a straight-forward messenger of the Tao.
Defeat and self-pity is not necessary at all. Work harmoniously with every moment the Tao is bringing your way, even though it appears hard at times. Take every encounter and every problem as an opportunity to know and heal yourself. Your friendships, relationships and connections with others are here for a reason. Honor them!
By Su Zhen