Wednesday, April 20, 2016

On Being Special

I was a teenager, sitting in my room doing homework, when my sister opened the door and said "Pamela died!" Pamela was a childhood friend and she had suffered multiple cancer attacks over the years. While I couldn't say that the sad news came as a big surprise to me, the truly shocking memory of that moment was that I felt nothing. And that was terrifying because I really loved that girl!

I mostly repressed that particular memory, but today it bubbled to the surface, triggered by the book of a psychoanalyst that I am reading who also claimed that he only later in life connected with his "feelings world". I have changed a lot! I used to be pretty unaware of other people's feelings, but today I am in tune with them. I feel the energy of spaces, of situations, and certainly of the people I hang out with. Had this sad event happened today, I would have hugged my sister, and we both would have cried. Later I would have wished my friend a properly good-bye at her funeral, and most likely, would have received a message from her departed soul.

I don't know why I had been so disconnected from my feelings and those of others when I was younger. As a matter of fact, I still don't know whether I am completely healed or whether there is instead a FORCE - the TAO - that alerts me to my inner word with symbols from the outside world. Let me give you an example in this direction. My father died over the Christmas holidays last winter, and over the ensuing two months my professional life completely unraveled. I felt executed by forces beyond me, but then, as mysteriously as they had come, they disappeared, so that by spring everything was back to normal, as if nothing ever happened in the first place. Today I wonder whether the TAO simply mirrored my personal turmoil back into my professional life, forcing me to deal with what I refused to accept inside of me.

Who knows why I developed the way I have. Perhaps I cut my feelings off as a teenager because it was too painful to see my father succumb to a horrifying disease of bi-polar and later, depression. Perhaps it was a combination of my powerful mind and stoic super-ego that made me decide what is right or wrong rather than being in touch with how I truly feel about things. But all that doesn't matter any longer; I have found an equilibrium that works for me and truly makes me special. The TAO now daily hand-delivers symbols and messages, and I can write to you about what I see.

The boy who was unable to feel sad when a cherished friend left him, and who afterwards beat himself up over it, has now grown into a man with a beautiful mind, a wholesome heart and has established a divine connection with the WAY. So what in earlier days was a handicap has now become a extraordinary tool for perceiving, deciphering and communicating spiritual phenomena. What about you? Do you have a gift that makes you special?

No comments: