About 9 years ago, I went to one of Bert Hellinger’s healing session. In it, he set up a family constellation for my autistic son and me. During the session, he told me that both my son and I are autistic. To be honest, I really had no idea what he was talking about. Sure my son was autistic, that's why I requested his help, but why did he single me out? Signposts of autism are communication challenges, awkward social interactions, as well as learning disabilities. I had none of that, did I?
Today I understand better what he had in mind. Although I am quite articulate in two languages, I definitely sometimes have difficulties communicating with people nicely. I don’t know how to communicate my emotions, needs and expectations that well. I throw tantrums when people do not meet my elevated expectations. During this journey of discovering and understanding autism for my son, I learned to communicate better myself. Instead of throwing tantrums, I taught myself how to communicate effectively. Today I am much more aware of my emotions and regulate them in a constructive way.
As for the social interaction, I didn’t think I had any difficulties making friends at all. What I have discovered in the meantime, there are occasions when I am afraid of some people. I had that engrained belief set that too much exposure was not good for me, so I chose a secluded lifestyle. Today I realize that was a huge mistake. I am the most happy when I am with other people. Although there are moments when I feel awkward in certain situations, like we all do from time to time, this cannot change the fact that I enjoy being around people. Other people are not out to hurt us, maybe they impart a lesson here or there, but mostly they are there to help us accomplish our journey here on earth. The people we interact with are manifestations of GOD. I love them and they love me. We are here to support each other and to live our life to the fullest!
I never had learning difficulties; to the contrary, I am such a fast learner that I easily moved through the school system and college. However, given my talent, I also never bothered to see other people's help. I created an isolated world for me and stuck to my own script. Today I realize that we are here to complete each other. Everyone is God’s messenger. We complete HIS world when we cooperate and collaborate. Each of us has a unique talent, everyone has something to contribute to GOD's creation. Let's build something beautiful and enjoy our creation together!
Am I ready to walk out of this autistic world? I think so! Hopefully my son will join me on this journey!
By Su Zhen