A Shaky Handshake

The lion and lamb lying down together refers to the fact that strength and innocence are not in conflict but naturally live in peace.
(A Course in Miracles)

Many years ago as I was visiting my colleagues in London and as I shook hands with the director of the office - he is quite a tall man but not as bulky as I am today - he complained that my hand-shake was not strong enough. I thought to myself, "well, that's a weird comment", but the scene burnt itself into my brain, and it was only later that I understood its true significance.

I was born a shy and good-natured boy. And while I rarely experienced conflict, I always tended to shy away from aggression. Today, I still mind aggression a lot, but I face it, in whatever shape or form. I have seen enough repressed violence in me to understand that conflicts have to be solved on the surface, otherwise they will move to your subconscious level where they are really, really hard to deal with.

I once had a colleague who was the most driven person I have ever seen. She also put a lot of pressures on her co-workers and subordinates. She was out to fight for fame and name, but when it was really time to close the deal, she - for some unknown reasons - shied away. I have often thought that all the aggression on the surface was nothing but an act of compensation for her fears that she couldn't commit when it really mattered. So I figured, if you don't show up in the hour when the swords are drawn, everyone will only end up miserable. I doubled my efforts to never let that happen to me.

What exactly is violence? It is not a committed, physical act; it is going against the will of someone else. You can be incredibly violent with the softest voice but physically abusing the person you speak to. In contrast, you may be "violent" in action, but literally saving somebody. I once saw my father saving my mother's life by applying the Heimlich Maneuver when she was choking on a piece of meat. The act was aggressive, but in a way, it almost seemed like an instinctive reaction to the situation. As he lifted my mother up, the beef fell meters away on the ground.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that a spiritual traveler should enroll in the army to make peace with his violent tendencies. Me personally, I work in the financial industry and I have encountered - very much against the public stereotype - many nice and gentle colleagues. Kindness is part of our firm's culture and I was attracted to this place for this reason. Yet, my colleague in London also had a point when he reminded me to show up. Lion and lamb lie side by side in the Garden of Eden for a reason. Strength and innocence do not preclude each other. Show up when you have to and step out of aggression's way when it is not yours to interfere. The Tao will let you know what to do on a case by case basis.

My handshake actually hasn't changed much over the years. I still only touch hands symbolically when I meet someone, but I will be the first to give it a good squeeze when my friend expects me to. Lion and lamb are in harmony now.

One

How do you do respond to someone who is angry, sad, or full of negative energy? It turns out that your response largely depends on the way you deal with your own negative emotions.  If you tend to repress your negative emotions and deny their existence, you will most likely struggle with other people's negative emotions as well.

 If you learn to acknowledge your negative emotions, if you have learned to accept them, perhaps even tried to understand them, you will be at ease to deal with people who are in a negative emotional state. You will not get pulled down by them and you will not try to stop them either. Instead, you will let them release their emotions and just be there for them. You take the negative energy in just like the ocean accepts all the rivers, polluted or clean. Before you know it, things will resolve naturally and peacefully.

Coping with emotions, being open to emotions, and even digging up repressed emotions, is not an easy thing to do, but it is something that we can learn to master. The Tao - and the world - is here to help you. See your angry bother as a reflection of something that hurts inside. And see your sad sister as a symbol of one of your own suppressed emotion. We are one.  If we learn to treat people’s emotion as our own emotions, there is nothing really to do but to let the emotion express itself. Don't resist it and it will be gone before you know it.