My Father and I

You don't have to try so hard.

You don't have to give it all away.

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up.

You don't have to change a single thing.

(Colbie Caillat, Try)

It was a rude awakening I had some 15 years ago when I took golf classes at the Delhi golf course. No, it was not just the realization that I really sucked at this game, it was even more depressing than that; I realized that I had incredible back pain when the coach asked me to assume the right golf stance. What I had not realized until then was that already at the age 35 I had walked slightly hunched over. The good news, I knew what to do about it. I hit the gym and I built my muscles. I used every opportunity there is to sit or stand upright, feeling my back muscles and being upright like a German oak. The symbol of being hunched over is that of having the weight of the world on your shoulders. Why that may have been even true, I would be sure to do something about it, both mentally and physical.

A few years later I realized why I was so afraid; I discovered how my father's illness deteriorated. He got more hunched over year after year, and as the years went by, even lost the ability to move without the assistance of a walker. Yes, my father was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was a judge in the family court, deciding the fate of children, mothers and fathers in case of divorces; despite his beautiful mind, his genuine and loving nature, he was in no position to handle this emotional toll the job took of him. He developed bi-polar - an emotional disorder disease. His demanding job and the disease destroyed him over the years. For some reason unknown to me he never took the medication to help minimizing the symptoms. And also for no reason known to me, my family never had the will to impose it on him despite his protest. I was 4000 miles away from him, watching helplessly how his life and health went downhill.

I can't speak for my father's soul contract. I know that in his final years his soul had made peace despite the fact that his physical conditions continued to deteriorate. I don't know why he felt that he had to take this sacrifice, but I do know that he has given me the opportunity not to go down the same road. They say that there is a 50 percent chance to develop bi-polar genetically, and I am the one within our family closest to him. Well, that's how it might end up in the aggregate, but as an individual I very much have a choice in this. In the last years when my father lived I realized that I have the same emotional imbalance in myself, and was part of a very similar movie set. As a financial strategist, a beautiful mind with little emotional awareness was facing the overwhelming roller coaster stress of global financial markets. My co-author and friend Su Zhen helped me open up to my emotional side, putting thoughts and feelings on equal footing for the first time in my life. I made many changes spiritually, in my behavior, and professionally. Today, I would be the first to just walk out of my job if it gets too overwhelming. I owe that to myself, my family and my friends.

We have a choice, and we always have an opportunity at hand to do things a little differently than the previous generation. We never know whether the sacrifices of our parents were their mistakes, their soul contracts, or a little bit of both. Be it as it may, but we have a choice to do better. "Sacrifice is a notion totally unknown to God", states the Course in Miracles. So let's make sure that we do not lose sight of God's Plan as we face life's complexity.

We see the choices of the giants on whose shoulders we stand, and they have put us in a position to do even better than they. It is our mission to aim high with their help, but please not without undermining our spiritual and physical health. Yes, the heart and the soul need to get what they want, but so does God. And let's not forget in all the moving and striving, we should always leave a little homework behind for the next generation. For it is their birth-right to have the chance to even outgrow us. We simply don't have to try so hard, as Colbie Caillat puts it so well in her song "Try". Children need their parents; let's reach for the stars together in that inter-generational soul contract, while staying grounded at the same time. Let's return Home hand-in-hand, father and son. I love you Papa, and always will!

The Long Night of the Full Moon

Stop trying to "fix" yourself; you're NOT broken. You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.

(Dr Steve Maraboli)

My father has bi-polar and I feel his "dis-ease" in my bones. Like him, I have trouble sleeping and there are nights when I realize at 1 pm that this was just as much sleep as I am likely to get. I know for a fact that astrology works because I can feel the moon in my "system". Give me a rainy 2 pm night near a full moon embedded in a powerful star constellation and a tornado runs through me.

Isn't unfair that I can't sleep the way others can and isn't unfair that my father was never able to shake his illness and had to endure it for 40 years? Isn't it unfair that my livelihood depends on a stressful market place that evokes fears, manic depressions and greed? Probably, but it may just be that you can enjoy my writings because of it. Writing is my way out of the dilemma. I just sit here and face the storm without doing anything about it. No alcohol, no coffee, no medications, no distractions and no escapes - I just sit here and transform the creativity of the energy-laden situation into this note. 

The German poet Goethe once said, "only the inadequate is productive". Once you truly feel the meaning of this realization in your bones, you are Home. Nothing can get you, nothing can upset you. All frustration is channeled into creative actions. Fact of the matter is that you can't blame God for where you end up, only yourself. But fact of the matter too is the realization that with every step of the Way you have God right next to you and She gives you the creative outlet to find your Self. Please use the long night of the full moon to find yours. It might be meditation, it might be writing or painting; it might be dancing,  sex or connecting with others; it might be martial arts or kick-boxing; it might be praying or appealing to your guiding spirits. No matter what you do, use that priceless opportunity to discover that you are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure. 

Enthusiasm, Exuberance and Serenity

My father suffers from bi-polar, which is also sometimes referred to as manic depression. It is a horrible affliction and while his conditions have improved somewhat in recent years, it was a huge burden for him over several decades.They say that the bi-polar disease is genetic, and given that I am like my father in many ways, I certainly keep an eye out on potential symptoms in me and have been reading a fair bit on the subject as well. For example, did you know that there is even a milder form, bi-polar II, which may not have the manic episodes attached so it is often misdiagnosed as an outright depression.

A spiritual path traveler understands something about manic phases because along the path you cannot help being 'high on life' more often than not. During that phase you feel so in tune with everything that is happening in your life that you literally feed of the energies of your environment very much as you share your abundant energies with others. You are certainly enthusiastic given that the root of the word implies 'possessed by God'. You may even be exuberant on occasions, but you also know that you have to keep that phase to yourself. No, when you are connected to God or the Tao, you experience a clarity of thinking and a focus that you have never experienced before. Manic depressed in contrast think they are in tune in their exuberant phase, yet they are completely disconnected with their environment. Traveling along the Tao is the polar-opposite of that experience. As Jesus said, 'You shall recognize them by their fruit and they shall know themselves." When you travel along the Tao, everything should make sense all the times - this hardly is the case for a manic depressed.

Spiritual path travelers certainly can be moody just because there are days when this divine connection is less apparent. There are simply negative energy fields around on some days that disturb this free energy exchange with the Source. This is a horrible experience compared to the high phase, but it has to be accepted very much as every period of sunshine has to make way to clouds and rains. Who knows whatever the psychological benefit of these more sobering periods are, but you never fall in a dark hole just because you always know that the Tao is out there waiting to connect with you whenever you have worked through whatever it is that separates you from the Tao at that time.

It is a mistake to think that the chemical imbalances in our brains or our genetic propensity to experience these mental states are disconnected from what we do and what our life is all about. Nassir Ghemi wrote an interesting book in ''A First-Rate Madness' in which he makes the cases that many exceptional leaders in exceptional circumstances led as effectively as they did because of their propensity to experience mental bi-polar or depression states. He cites Churchill and FDR in the political realm as examples. His observation certainly also applies to our artistic community since the enthusiastic and sometimes even manic phases often correlate with extra-ordinary artistic inspiration. I would also think that our spiritual community has that susceptibility for creativity, which likely comes with some moodiness attached.

I sometimes wonder whether - on a soul level - my father carried this incredible burden to allow me to experience the bliss I do. Anyway, I would conclude that you don't need to worry much about manic depression. Along the Tao you cannot fall into the trap of disconnecting with your environment because your many soul siblings as well as everything that happens in our life will ensure that you are always connected. And if once in a blue moon you really have a fit of exuberance or depression, the Tao will also make sure that you will be in your private corner at this time and that no harm comes your way.