Don't Shoot the Messenger

A compulsive habit is nothing but a message that you send to yourself that something is somehow off. You certainly don't help yourself if you attack yourself over it, or that you bemoan your lack of will-power, or your irrationality. Instead, ask yourself what exactly triggered your reaction? And what can you do differently next time around? 

Consider this example that Caroline Knapp quotes in her book, Appetites - Why Women Want: "Not long ago I heard a story about a woman who went to visit her mother for a weekend. Their relationship was, and still is, stormy and complicated, but she got through it with relative serenity - counted to ten under her breath a lot, recounted like mantras lesson learned in decades of therapy, kept her cool. But then, on her way to the airport, this grown, self-aware woman - a paragon of reason and maturity - was overcome with the compulsion to pull her rental car into the parking lot of a 7-Eleven, walk in, and steal a bottle of water. She could not resist; she snagged eight ounces of Evian and fled, embarrassed and confused."

What would you do if you were in her shoes? Along a spiritual path we want to understand why we react the way we do. Fact of the matter is that all of us carry pain bodies around and particular circumstances and people can trigger them for us, which in turn is quite painful. So the compulsive action is nothing but an instinctive reaction to run away from or rebel against these aroused painful memories. 

So we would be asking ourselves what exactly we could do to deal with that shattered self, and we would face our mother next time around with even more commitment to heal our relationship and our past somehow. Perhaps we would use less escape mechanisms when we deal with her, and would take in the pain just as it hits us. Maybe, just maybe we would figure out a thing or two about ourself with every visit. And if in this process and we end up stealing a few more bottles of water or candy bars to get to this point, so be it. 

Shadow work is all about identifying what unresolved issues we have and how we can reposition ourself to do things a little differently next time around. Whatever you do to heal the past, please don't shoot the messenger.

Just Say Om

Feelings are much like waves; you can't stop them, but you can decide which one to ride. (Unknown)

The so-called ego is really an energy field; it wraps itself around our unique personality structure and helps us to express the longings of our soul. The opportunity though, there comes a time when you wake up to the fact that a feeling and a thought is just an energy wave; it doesn't have to be part of you. 

Caroline Knapp in her book, "Appetites - Why Women Want", described one such tsunami wave that may have battered her system on a bad day: "I hate my body, I hate my thighs, I ate too much. I can't believe I spent so much money. I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I shouldn't have said that. I am such an idiot. I am such a piece of shit!" That is the yin version of the cancerous ego drive. Yin is the energy that goes inwards, the submission, the sacrifices, the anger directed against oneself. You can hear it in Caroline Knapp's outburst; she wants to be attractive, slim, smart, economical, only to find that she somehow can't have what she wants. 

The yin aspect of the ego madness is quite relevant for us spiritual travelers. We want to be holy and we are willing to suffer, to be trampled on in the name of spirituality. Unfortunately, submission and sacrifice always implies subconsciously, and sometimes openly, hostility against others: how dare they have what we are unwilling to grant ourselves? The yang version of the ego drive we also know well. The desire to conquer, to take, to step on other people's toes. Neither energy form is part of the Way. Whenever we ride any of these energy waves, be they incoming or outgoing, we deviate from our Self.

So what exactly can we do? It is not that hard really, just become a seasoned surfer in the ocean called life. Friends always surround us. They are here to lift us up when we beat ourselves up and remind us of who we truly are. Friends and family are also there in the other side, when we are tempted to abuse others, blinded by our greed, aggression or fears. Life is beautiful this way. The solution that works for everyone, your Self included, is always just around the corner. Seize the moment and don't forget to just say "Om" at times, whenever one of these energy waves wants to take you on another wild-goose's chase.