I grew up in a complicated family. Both my parents were widowed before they met each other. In each case, their loved one had passed away quite unexpectedly. When I was little, although no one had told me about it, I could sense there was something in this family that wasn't quite right; some heaviness, some sadness, some secrets. Neither my parents had ever talked about their first spouse; neither of my siblings, relatives or family friends talked about it. It was a taboo; a dark family secret. Do you know how heavy and tense it is when you tried to keep a secret?
Nevertheless, as I got older, I figured stuff out just by putting the pieces together. Several years ago, when I was looking for a remedy for my autistic son, I joined one of Bert Hellinger’s workshops and had him do one family constellation for me. During the session, he found out that there were two murder cases in my family, which caused the disorder of my son and myself. I was really devastated and confused at that session because he said that I had autism that needed healing as well. At that moment I had difficulties making this jump. After all, I came to heal my son's autism. Objectively, I never witnessed any of his symptoms.
After the session, I went home and asked my mother about the murder cases. She said she couldn’t remember any murder cases in my father’s family, neither in her family. I was confused anyway. Six years have passed after the healing session. Two days ago, an insight came to me out of the blue. I finally realized, yes, I have some autistic symptoms too; and yes, there were murders cases in my family history although it didn’t happen in my immediate family. It happened in my mother’s former spouse’s family. I didn’t really know any of the details. I only knew he killed some people and was put into the jail, and released after a while. Apparently, this murder case caused lots of turbulence across my wider family. People were deeply bothered and terrified. No one dared to associate with him or even talk to him after he was released from jail. I suddenly remembered a vivid childhood memory; we bumped into him on the road and we were so scared that he would suddenly lose his mind and hurt us. At that moment I saw frightened souls!
Today I understand my role and that of my son. We are here to shoulder the burdens of the frightened souls; we are here to heal the pain and undo the mistakes of the past. I would ask, aren't we all? Aren't there dark family secrets in every household; in the struggling as well as the pristine ones. It is ok you know, we are all human; we are all here to appreciate all the good qualities of our family and we happily shoulder some of the stuff that they somehow couldn't achieve themselves; just as we are happy to leave some homework for our children. Love always heals the mistakes of the past.
By Su Zhen