Spiritual Assertiveness

The fact is that before being “assailed” by what may seem to be such terrifying unnatural ideas, you have already blocked off an endless variety of far less drastic ones, any of which you could have expressed quite safely and naturally in daily life. Your problem then is not how to deal with normal aggressiveness, but how to handle it when it has remained unexpressed, ignored, and denied over a long period of time.

(Seth in The Nature of Personal Reality)

A colleague of mine resigned quite unexpectedly. In private she admitted that she knew that it was time to move on when she suffered from road-rage in her daily commutes. I respected that decision. I know that she will build something new with that amazing energy that she has. But I also hope that the message of this blog will reach her somehow. In her work she had put enormous stress on others to push through her agenda. Yet, when it was her time to shine, her moment to be in the limelight, she somehow shied away. She somehow didn't "close the deal" that she had so painstakingly worked towards. There is a negative belief set buried somewhere in her that needs to be overridden somehow. It takes great effort to do that, but it can be done. Every day in fact is a new opportunity to try again!

For all of us, spiritual or not, there is a time to advance and there is a time to retreat. There is a time to be passive and a time to be aggressive. The Universe was built in one Big Bang of infinite power. If God can be forceful, why shouldn't we? We all have inbuilt biases, some we have to accept as our unique style, but some negative belief sets we have to get out of our system. Spirituality can be a convenient excuse not to face up to what we are afraid of deep inside. Be all you can be here and now. Sometimes you have to assert yourself while often you can just go with the flow. The Tao will let you know what to do.

Mind the Dark Force (Revised)

The spiritual community has made a big step forward by putting the God versus devil struggle in the background. Instead, we internalize the divine as well as destructive force inside ourself with help of the ego versus True Self contrast. Yet, something is still missing. What about our soul? Isn't our soul somewhere in between ego and True Self? And isn't the ego versus True Self the battle between evil and good in new clothes? We Tao traveler have a different perspective. We tend to say, "nothing is either good or bad", quoting Shakespeare, "only  thinking makes it so. Our soul has longings that need to be satisfied. We argue there is a Way that gets you there.

No doubt that there is a force that wants to keep us away from the Way. I have often seen it in action. Yet, the same force wants to conquer, wants to possess and wants to advance. Does is really make sense to feel bad about these desires; the aspirations of what we want to have or what we want to be? Isn't there a "good" versus "bad" ego in us?  The soul combines our God connection as well as our earthly mission statement that still has to be completed. Why can't we celebrate the innovative ways we find to express our earthly desires while still operating in harmony with the cosmic design? The Way does this for us.

The Tao defines a divine Path for our earthly desires. We can have it all - all our authentic needs get satisfied while experiencing God every step of the Way. Yet, there is a dark force inside of us that starts running with these desire and literally takes us for a ride. The ride can feel thrilling at times but whenever we deviate from love and spiritual meaning it gets annoying pretty fast. So how about this distinction instead, there are the longings of our soul and there is the Way. Follow your dreams but be mindful of the voice in your head that wants you to wander off in a different direction. Mind that dark force, it is easy to do. All you have to do is to make sure that She is with you every step of the Way.

Removing the a Needles Under the Skin

A spiritual path is really an advanced refinement of our nature. We are human yet we aspire to be divine. We act according to the better angels of our nature. We are nice, we are honest, we are truthful, we are loving, we are considerate and we look out for others in whatever we do.

Try being "spiritual" in all aspects of what this mission entails for you personally and then explore what side-effects come with it. To your surprise, the pressure inside maybe rising instead of falling; hidden aggression, restlessness, or disappointments. Perhaps you fall sick as your subconscious lets you know that you are in over your head.

There is only one requirement for walking a spiritual path and that is extreme honesty, otherwise you are likely to waste many years of a merry-go-around with "yourself". It is ok to have dark night episodes, it is ok to fall sick, it is ok to have disguised anger outburst or panic attacks. Only one thing is not ok, to brush the conflict aside as if it was a meaningless distraction. Every contradiction within, every missed step along the Way must be accepted with extreme sincerity. The 85 percent of the time spent with a spiritual mindset is still not the "you" that you are running after. Find a way of bringing 100 percent of a yet to be discovered "you" along.

If you live your spiritual path and the imbalances are rising, adjust something. Experiment and see what works for you. Have a second look at so-called taboo activities or self-imposed limitations. Find a way to make the stuff that attracts you spiritually kosher. Or understand why some needles seem to hide beneath your skin and there is little you can do about it. Yet, suffering is meaningless. Understanding brings transcendence. The battle of humanity and divinity always has a resolution in store for you. But you have to be willing to look first!

If you walk your spiritual path it is fairly natural that a dark side pops out somewhere; ask for the authentic needs that the demon has in store for you: more power, more wealth, more sex, more connections. You figure out what it is that you aren't granting to yourself in the name of spirituality. Don't just sit there! Do something about the conflict and find a way to live with yourself!

Being a spiritual traveler is a full contact sport. It is a soul searching and a transformative event. You are about to change but not just as your mind thinks, but also as your body feels. When you are done exploring you are an expert at seeing, an expert at perceiving, you are in tune with your feelings and you will think what your "system" knows anyway. Your mind is still, your body and soul are at peace and the needle in the haystack has finally been found.

Who Would Judge the Judge?

He is a well-respected judge and gets his job done with authority and ease. Most decisions come easy to him; he knows where to research, and sometimes just knows who to ask for advice. Sure, once in a blue moon he feels indecisive but after a little soul searching he just goes for the "right" decision, that is what others would consider to be the letter of the law. The community and the family adores him but what they don't know is that every other Saturday when they think he is at work, he in fact indulges in his fetish, a paid visit to Madame Noire who humiliates and tortures him for three hours straight. There was a time when he fought his dark passion but over the years he just accepted his occasional trip to the wild side. He is at peace with himself but hopes that his dark secret will never come out.

They say that a disproportionate number of bondage and humiliation fetishists are "men of power" like the judge in our example. The desire to submit sexually may just be the mirror image of the role he has to play in society, to define what is wrong or right even though truth may be a little different than the letter of the law imply. So what would you do if you were in his shoes? Should our judge exert more will-power to control himself, not stealing away from his family on a Saturday to have his steamy fun?  Isn't that what our spiritual community does, attacking the dark side, asking for more will-power to stay on the right path? Well, what is the right path anyway? Wouldn't our judge just fight the symptoms of his problem, leaving the root cause as is?

Think of your ego as your conscious 'I' and your so-called dark side as your subconscious counterpart. The stuff you don't want to accept on the surface will bubble below it until one day it erupts. Think of it as the suppressed "I" that screams at your well-crafted persona, "Hey, what about me? Deal with me and I will give you your energy back." The reader of this blog knows we are not ego basher; we want you to respect who you are. We just advise you to be aware of who you think you are; aware of the persona that you and society have created.

So you might say where exactly is the friction - the violation of the Tao - in the case of the judge? Spiritual truth is different from the letter of the law and that unfortunately is the uphill battle the judge has to fight against. We as a society force him to violate the spiritual laws and all he finds left to do is to - subconsciously, of course - set the record straight by getting humiliated. A Tao traveler would tell you that "criminals" who violate others are as much on an evil subconscious mission as someone who "accidentally" insures someone else in a car crash.  Yet our law would never quite see it that way.

A Tao traveler would also say that God created everyone equal. The idea that someone could judge others is intrinsically flawed. The judge consequently has to experience the yin and yang of this artificial hierarchal imbalance. J. Krishnamurti talked often about this concept. The fact that some professions such as police, army, judicial professions, etc. are intrinsically violent. Sure, our society values their efforts for the simple reason what we are not yet spiritually ready to live without them. Yet the problem statement remains. Whenever you deviate from the Tao you build up a spiritual and psychological imbalance that you have to dispose of in one way or another.

We claim that once you start looking for the friction in your life you will be able to make the proper adjustments. Life - the Tao - has a habit of encouraging you to express who you truly are. It can be hard work to let go of crusts that have formed over decades, but if you follow the signals of the Way they will slowly erode as you venture into a new direction. When you are shy, life may encourage you to be more outgoing; when you are risk-averse, the encouragement may be to be more entrepreneurial. While it is hard work to face life openly it is also very rewarding. There is fun, there is creative anxiety and there is a steady erosion of your dark outlets. You harness the energies of your demon in an authentic way when you show up for life. Both the angel and your demon will cheer you on as you venture in a new direction. We don't know what works for the judge, only he will know that. What we would emphasize however, no matter what his decision might turn out to be, who would dare to judge the judge?

By Christian and Su Zhen

Healing Disturbed Souls

There's a place that I know,
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone.
If I show it to you now
will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out
will you return?
And remind me who i really am,
please remind me who i really am!

Like a diamond
from black dust
it's hard to know
what can become.
If you give up,
so don't give up on me
please remind me who i really am.

Everybody's got a dark side.
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it,
you know that we're worth it.
Will you love me
even with my dark side?

Don't run away,
don't run away.
Just tell me that you will stay,
promise me you will stay.
Don't run away,
don't run away.
Just promise me you will stay,
promise me you will stay
Will you love me? Ohh
(Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side)

A disturbed soul is cranky.  She acts weird and talks irrationally.  When you take her conversation and action seriously, or perhaps worse, when you try to correct her behavior and thinking, she will only get more furious.  Yet, you are all confused and puzzled by her behavior and don't really know what to do except, perhaps, trying to avoid her.

 Why does a disturbed soul acts up?  What exactly triggers the fury in her? You might as well ask what launches a tornado in the Caribbean.  All she needs and wants is just your attention although otherwise she may have no ideas what she really wants herself. The problem though, her outrageous behavior will only drive you away and then she gets even crankier.

 Pay attention to these disturbed souls.  You may find them everywhere, in your family or at work. They can be friends and sometimes even strangers. They need your love, attention, and acceptance. Deal with them to the best of your ability and they will always have a present in hand for you afterwards. Never try to change their behavior or argue with them.  Accept them and let love heal everything.  With your love and attention, silently, the demon will deflate. Who knows where the darkness once came from, let the light in and let love heal both of you.

By Christian and Su Zhen

The Dancing China Girl

A few years ago I spent time with the boys on the beach in California and was writing my blog. I was holier than thou at that time and thought I had transcended the yin and yang of sex altogether. Well, a girl from China was on holidays in the US together with her boyfriend. When she saw our younger son building sand castles she sat down and played with him. While objectively she was playing with the mud, even with her boyfriend standing close by, I felt that amazing sexual presence connecting with me. It was as if she was playing with me instead, saying "Come now, you don't know anything. Let's dance, shall we?"

Table what your mind tells you about spirituality when life tells you something different. Acknowledge and accept the conflict inside and do something creative with it. Your so-called dark side is in fact your source of energy, don't wish it away. Take it as the starting point to find your idiosyncratic spiritual solution; no one else can do that for you. After all, the tension inside was created just for you to help you find yourself. Take Her hands and do your dance.

Mr. Know It All's Shadow

Mr. Know It All
Well ya think you know it all
But ya don't know a thing at all
Ain't it, ain't it something y'all
When somebody tells you something 'bout you
Think that they know you more than you do
So you take it down another pill to swallow

Mr. Bring Me Down
Well ya, ya like to bring me down, don't you?
But I ain't laying down, baby, I ain't goin' down
Can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be
Nobody's gonna make a fool out of me
Baby, you should know that I lead not follow

Mr. Play Your Games
Only got yourself to blame when you want me back again
But I ain't falling back again
'Cause I'm living my truth without your lies
Let's be clear baby this is goodbye
I ain't coming back tomorrow

So what you've got the world at your feet
And you know everything about everything
But you don't
You still think I'm coming back but baby you'll see yeah...

Mr. Know It All
Well ya think you know it all
But ya don't know a thing at all
Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me

[Chorus:]
Oh you think that you know me, know me
That's why I'm leaving you lonely, lonely
'Cause baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me
You ain't got the right to tell me
When and where to go, no right to tell me
Acting like you own me lately
Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me

Mr. Know-it All, Kelly Clarkson

Isn't Kelly's "Mr. Know It All" yet another great shadow song? Her "Dark Side" already captures the shadow theme beautifully but with a little interpretation, "Mr. Know It All" can be viewed as an exchange between the dry intellect, the desire to be on a "clean" self-improvement course with the impulsive feeling component of our being who lives in a completely different world and has a completely different agenda. Come down from your pedestal Mr. Know It All , engage with her and chances are Kelly will dance with you.

Tao of Darkness and Light

You are mirrors of truth in which God Himself shines in perfect light. To the ego's dark glass you need but say, "I will not look there because I know these images are not true."
(A Course in Miracles)

Our spiritual giants have been telling us over and over again how to deal with our dark sides: don't look at whatever it is that pulls you down and just know that it is not there. The mind is like a fertile soil they say, keep the weed out otherwise you will have to do a lot of painful plugging ahead.

If you think about it, this is exactly how most of the recovering addicts are dealing with their issues; sometimes even when memories of the old addictive habits get triggered, the floodgates of their old passions are reopened. So to survive they effectively have to cut out every aspect of their previous addiction from their lives.

Yet the approach we suggest is different.  You don’t really need to cut anything out of your life.  You face life and all the things that come your way  and are mindful about everything that happens inside of you and in your environment. You in fact can see for yourself that if you try to cut something out of your life, you actually give more energy to it. If you just observe everything with an open mind and with open eyes, you will find that the dark side, fascinating at it can be, always says no to life. The Tao is the opposite. It is the divine force that encourages you to say yes to life instead and teaches you to recognize all the love that surrounds you.  Life invites you moment by moment to join, and if you do, the spell of the dark passions will naturally fade in the background. All you have to do really is to open your eyes and see what is happening in your life.

By being mindful you align yourself with Tao.  When you walk the Tao you get clear instructions how to proceed. These steps certainly require effort at times, but you will see that saying yes to life will lead you away from depression, which happens to be the playground of the devil's advocate. Something else will become apparent that way. These temptations and these activities that induce your mind to go to sleep are nothing but a facilitator to help you wake up. So instead of cursing them, accept them and see them what they are, milestones on your journey Home.

We are not advocating that you put blinders on. Quite the opposite, we want you to face openly whatever it is life brings your way. We also don't want you to abstain from whatever it is that gets your blood pumping only because some other spiritual authorities say so. Go and face the life that comes your way and experience it with your best intension to find your True Self.  Let the Tao teach you how the world really looks like. What we say, however, is that once you have recognized an activity to lead away from the Tao, reengage with the Tao. On the highway to God every roundtrip will hurt you a lot.  Don't waste your energy with these games and just follow Her lead instead.

By Christian and Su Zhen

Embracing Life Wholeheartedly

 When you walk a the spiritual path for a while, you  will be encouraged over and over again to open up to life. Suddenly every event and every encounter that is coming your way is perceived as a present, no matter what. So you realize over time that as long as you align yourself with the flow of life, the outcome will be good for everyone involved in the end.  You learn to say yes to life.  You naturally let go of your worries and fears as the Tao helps you transcending your own narrow agenda. It is the people you encounter and the events you face that help you understand who you truly are. Let the Tao mold you; we think you will like the way you turn out.

We all have a split mind.  We welcome friends, colleagues and family half-hearted, and most of the time we hide an agenda behind our smiles. Accept this split mind, what else can you do? You can't wish your agenda away. Repressing your desires is like trying to push a basket ball under water. They will pop up with a splash. What you can do instead is to embrace all people that come your way and learn over and over again that everybody has a present in hand for you. If you truly open up to them you have a priceless opportunity to let them help you transcend your agenda. True love will wash away all the schemes of your mind.

The Tao is the road towards wholeness. We spiritual folks tend to be one dimensional when it comes to our passions. We accept the good stuff, the love, the holiness. Yet we struggle when it comes to the - what we perceive to be -  not-so-holy desires. Yet the Tao doesn't seem to care about our value judgements. Whether we like it or not, temptations are coming our way. So let's deal with them as best as we can.  Whatever we resist persists. So let's embrace life and let the light that comes our way shine away the darkness we encounter. The Tao will only bring  challenges that we can master and the bigger the challenge, the higher our potential for spiritual transformation.

Walking the Tao is actually the way towards becoming whole.  You let go of your judgments, your agenda and your attempts to control anything. Experience everything as it is.  Let the people and events that come your way bring sunshine as well as thunderstorms. Like plants you require both to grow. The psychologist C. G. Jung once said before he wanted to be whole before he wanted to be holy. Yes, this is a step in the right direction. What the Tao has taught is is that wholeness and holiness are two sides of the same divine coin.


By Christian and Su Zhen

Pain Buddies

In our relationships with others, whether it is a parent-child relationship, the relationship between lovers, or perhaps just friendships, there are sometimes mutual learning opportunities that involve pain. We are often unwilling to accept these dark spots in ourselves, yet others, often people we care a lot about, force us to confront them. A little prick and all hell breaks loose. At this point we don't even see our friends and family, we only see our own projections of the painful situation. We are unable to see the whole picture just because the dark spot is in the way.

This undigested pain is taking reality away from you time and time again. Whenever it is active, you relive your past and can not see reality as is. You are literally living in the dark. You probably know by now the situations and the people that trigger your pain body. Once activated, you are reliving your past in the new situation. You have a chance to erase the dark spot, but you must be willing to look. The darker the spot, the more intensely you have to look. If you just project your pain to the party who triggered it, the movie will keep on replaying itself.

This is your movie and you have a possibility to step out of it, very much like an actor is leaving a movie set after the movie is finished. The moment you realize that the inner movie is replaying itself, you have a chance to free yourself from this pain body. The demons of the past will vanish if you like a heroine are willing to face the pain this time around. No projection, just objectively looking at the situation despite the tears, despite the anger and despite the incredible pain. The pain from the past needs to be healed, so stay with it until the pain calms down by itself.

Many of us have the expectation that the ones who are so dear to our heart will love us unconditionally. While this expectation hopefully comes true, there are several problems. When we are experiencing our pain, we are actually not able to see clearly. Our friends and soul siblings stand there with a stretched-out helping hand, yet, we accuse them of causing our pain. We accuse them of not loving us. It takes a lot of faith to keep on walking despite the doubts that torment our mind. The other problem is that our friends and soul siblings have their psychological baggage that they need to let go of. You have searched and found each other to heal each other. You are pain buddies. May you both have the faith, patience and strength to carry each other.

My dear friends, yes there is pain but if you put your best foot forward, trust that your friend and soul sibling will be able to do the same. Trust each other, trust that you each have the key in your hand to unlock the other's closet that hides the monsters of the past. Trust that your friend and soul sibling will be worthy to make it through your dark side. When we wrote this note, Kelly Clarkson was playing on the radio. It looks like she puts her faith into her pain buddy herself:

Oh no, oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am!

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am!

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Don't run away
Don't run away

Don't run away
Promise you'll stay
(Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side)


By Christian & Su Zhen